Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
