just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
i drank out of a bidet.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize