Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
