woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
