bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
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