i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
