I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Randomize
