There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
