I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
