Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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