well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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