Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Drake has all the answers
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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