Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize