I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
