2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
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