I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
