His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
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