Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
