So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize