so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
splinters make it hard to masturbate
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
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