I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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