I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
