Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
