I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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