I wish my penis had an off switch
Me too!
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
