theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
