Your mouth is God's brothel.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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