yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
BRING THE BAGELS
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
