This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
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