i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
