there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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