worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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