there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
