Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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