I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
