you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
