The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
