Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
If that was your dad, he is hot
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
