I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
we're making bets on your personal life
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
