this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
