I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
