all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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