theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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