when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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