OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
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