Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
