You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize