Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
You left your phone here
Wait...
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