are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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