ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
