my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
