saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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