Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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