I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
