mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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