wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
