Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
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