It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
