i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
