His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
