dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Randomize
