Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
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