He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
