On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Randomize
