I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
he fucked my hip out of place.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize